10:57 pm
Lying in my bunk bed here at MMSU, Batac. I remember my Grandpa Rafael's story when he went to war somewhere in the south during the Japanese occupation. He told us the story when we were still young at his front porch in the province. I guess at this point I understood his feeling. Him in a remote camp far from the main headquarters with enemies in unknown location surrounding them. With uncertain news about reinforcements, less hope in coming home overcame him. More of his thoughts is longing for his family while battling with the acceptance of not having the chance for such promising reunion. With his wife and 4 kids at home, all he could pray is to stay alive for one more day. Under his grayish eyebrows, I can still remember his sad brown eyes as he tries to fight back tears when he recalled each day being far from his love ones. It is one moment where I saw a war stricken man loose from emotional battle. In the midst of quest for freedom, love prevails above anything else I never thought I would someday be having a close feeling to that. I looked at myself and pondered on my inner battle. The longing for being with someone I dearly love and accepting that I might not be with her again. Two opposite feelings in one arena. Two contenders in one boxing ring. Who will win? I honestly don't know. One thing for sure, love will always be there.
After a rigorous work, my wearied body drifts its thought about you. Thinking how have you been and hoping you're safe and sound. Words are nothing in expressing the strong desire to be reunited once again and find happiness in each other's presence despite of road bumps encountered. Before the day ends, before I close my eyes, my sincere prayers are still for a chance I plead to ask. (^^^)
July 23, 2012
7:45 pm
I was having dinner with my Boss Engr. Art with his wife, Sir Virgilio Bautista, his wife, Ma'am Mercy, Edwin and Resti. Despite of the political discussions and work propositions shared, majority of their chats are about family and specially their grandchildren. They are old professionals (baby boomers) and they are more fond in talking about families and their posterity. In the corner of the table, I just kept silent with occasional giggle and smiles while I thought about you. I thought about the time when we were talking about our future kids. Jocks and Prom Queens. It's a bittersweet memory that comes back uncontrollably sinking my heart to this sea of mixed emotions. Waves of hope and sadness keeping me afloat yet sometimes drags me down. I miss you a lot Jodi
July 12
9:25 am
After having chat yesterday with a good feeling after. I woke up this morning with more longing to talk to you. I opened my FB account and see that there were 3 unread messages but when I checked it. Not one of them was from you. I responded to each of the messages and after that, I viewed your profile. I was thinking of sending you a message but I am afraid that it might push you away. I just want to tell that I miss you. When we were dating, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and for now it became more intense and its killing me because most people I talked to said that I have to give you time for yourself and also for me. Mahal, you know my heart. It's all for you. I really really want to be with you. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I really do. Never did I intend to hurt you but I would never excuse myself for the mistake I did. I hoping and praying that you would forgive me and give me chance to prove myself again. When you told me that you would only need a hug and to see my face for now, for me all I ever wanted is a CHANCE. Just one more CHANCE and I promise to never mess up. A CHANCE that I would forever treasure and keep till my last breathe here on earth. I love you Jodi
July 11, 2012
3:12 pm
It's been a week since we talked over Facebook. It was the day we truly decided to limit our communication despite of how we love each other. It is obvious how we want to talk but both realized that we are just running in circles. Me trying to win you back and you shutting the doors. It was such a painful day and up to now, I can still vividly recall how it stings. I went on a road trip to find some ways of winning you back. At times during my travel , I feel it's like a futile attempt but my heart still feels that it is the right thing to do. I did what I have to do and finished what needs to be done and went back home. Thoughts of you, us and the future we talked about just came in like piercing daggers. Took it all because you were in it. Monday came and checking your Facebook page had been inevitable and so when Tuesday came. Just waiting for a message from you. Wednesday came and strong urge to send you a message crept along with questions. What's the point in fighting back this feeling? Would I gain anything? Would it make me feel better if I hold it? No matter how I try to go away or hold this feeling, my love is undeniably for you. So I sent a message to check how are you doing and waited for hours. Took a short lunch break so I can check again if you sent a message. To my surprise, you responded! My heart was happy and then came the yearning to talk to you more. Apparently you waited for a while and sadly it was during my break. You have to go to sleep because you have to wake up early the next day. I tried to send you a conversation starter and waited even for another hour but no more response. I guess you were already asleep. My heart sunk because I miss you so much. The gloomy weather is not helping and looking it through my window at the office just makes me sad. How I wish I was still with you because no weather can dampen my mood as long as a I know that someone even though so far is loving me so dearly and is wanting to be with me. Now its gone. I feel so alone. Hope is still something I'm holding on.
Miss you and love you mahal...
7:26 pm
Phew! Got to chat with you again and had to restrain myself from sharing my feelings. I wish i could tell you how much I love you after an hour chat. It's early morning at your place and I'm not sure if your mind would easily accept what I would be telling you so I kept it to myself this time. Ironically, I felt better not telling it to you. Although I shared a bit of what had been happening with my family, the dramas and stuff. I was left with a feeling of calmness and peace that I did the right thing. I know that you know how I feel but both are just trying not to bring it out in order to keep the conversation well. So it was a nice time chatting with you but I miss you more...
Just came from Sevilla Chapel and talked to Bishop Baro and his wonderful family. Sister Baro is expecting a baby err.. i think they said babies and probably boys. We talked about the video for your birthday and the arrangements. We talked about the truthfulness of the Gospel and testified to each other about the Apostles of the Church being called by God. Before reaching the chapel, I kept on talking to myself that I can do this. I can talk to the members and stay calm. As I enter the Bishop's office, my heart sunk. Memories of the times we visited them. The fun and even the awkward moment. I nearly cried we he asked about us and I mentioned about us being "friends". The word "friend" coming out of my mouth was like a piercing dagger to my own heart. I am not that emotionally strong but that moment I was able to hold myself from breaking down. Our stay and expressions of love in Sevilla was all real and true. It was like yesterday when we were there. I know deep in my heart that you will only be "the One" and I will never move on. All things, places and people reminds me of you my love. The most amazing and precious woman the I dearly cherish. The lady who made me feel so special and so love. No one had me me feel this way and no one else would come close to that. At this moment, despite of what you said about our relationship that had ended, I am still hopeful that you will find in your heart forgiveness and a ray of CHANCE so I can earn your trust again. I promise that I would never mess up when a second chance is given. I would do everything to prove myself again to you. I love you with my heart and soul Jodi
July 26, 2012
12:50 pm
An Unsent letter...way back February 14, 2012
Of Love...
Most people say that true love is hard to find. Others also say
that love is hard to define. I guess they are true but that would be unless if
one didn't try to find or work it out. A lot of people say that love is a
complicated thing that’s why they make a lot of reasons why not to engage on
it. In my opinion, it’s the complication that makes it different from other
things that we feel. It is the element of which people learn things from each
other that generates growth for both parties. It’s the complication that makes
it dynamic and has its yearning for a change and hopefully for better in our
case. I am not that good in defining such profound words but I do can feel that
on my own towards fellow being and that especially includes you. Sometimes I
wander what kind of world would it be without this feeling perching into
everyone’s heart? A lot of things run into my mind but it all sums up into one
category – chaotic. I am grateful that this was not the case in this world in
which we are destined to have our mortal probation. I am even grateful to have
a lot of people around who shows this kind of tender feeling towards me that
motivates me to make my existence worthwhile. Now I know and I am confident
enough to share it with you. There’s a lot of way to show it and let me share
some ideas pertaining to it. I guess it is love when every time I see your face
it makes me forget who I am. I guess it is love that when I’m with you I feel
like everything stopped even time and that your only the person that I can
clearly see despite of the crowd around us. I guess it is love that when I feel
your embrace I feel like a baby in a mother’s womb feeling so safe and secured.
I guess it is love when I felt awful when you’re away. I guess it is love when
I can’t help myself but to get lonely when I am alone under a rainy afternoon. I
guess it is love when holding your hand makes me feel all the connection that
we have. I guess it is when under a moonlight all I could think is I wish you
were here with me that we might dance all the romantic love songs that had been
sung. It is when my talent like writing this type of letter makes you smile and
love me more. It is when most of the time I dream of spending eternity with
you. It is when all I want to do is for you to feel proud of me by doing the
good things in the world. It is when doing well for you always run through my
brain. I love you when you say those words to me and change my gloomy day into
a cheerful summer. I love you because you are so precious to me that I don’t
want to let go of you not even a second of my life. I love you because you’re
the person I want to be with throughout eternity. I guess it is love when all I
could think to write is a poem or a song that starts with your name. To some,
love is when a husband fixes the blanket of his children when it sleeps away on
a cold night. It is love when the wife does the laundry even her hand hurts
because of some blisters on her hand cause by strong detergents. Love is when a
kid handles a grocery item for an elderly woman and brings it to her car. Love
is when a mom kindly cleans the wound of her kid after falling from a bike.
Love is when I can’t sleep well knowing that you’re ill and weak. Love is not
being able to sleep until I certainly know that you’re at home and safe after
work. Love is all around and has a familiar sound (that is your voice for me
Jodi!). I may say more but I guess I have to end at this point for now….I Love
You Jodi
In 1840 the Prophet Joseph sent an epistle to the Twelve
wherein he taught that 'love is one of the chief characteristics of Deity, and
ought to be manifested by those who aspire to be the sons of God. A man filled
with the love of God, is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges
through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race' (History of the
Church, 5: 227)."As we reach out in love to those around us, we fulfill
the other half of the great commandment to 'love thy neighbor as thyself'
(Galatians 5:14)."
(Joseph B Wirthlin, "The Great Commandment,"
Ensign, Nov. 2007, 28)
July 23, 2012
I was having dinner with my Boss Engr. Art with his wife, Sir Virgilio Bautista, his wife, Ma'am Mercy, Edwin and Resti. Despite of the political discussions and work propositions shared, majority of their chats are about family and specially their grandchildren. They are old professionals (baby boomers) and they are more fond in talking about families and their posterity. In the corner of the table, I just kept silent with occasional giggle and smiles while I thought about you. I thought about the time when we were talking about our future kids. Jocks and Prom Queens. It's a bittersweet memory that comes back uncontrollably sinking my heart to this sea of mixed emotions. Waves of hope and sadness keeping me afloat yet sometimes drags me down. I miss you a lot Jodi
July 12
9:25 am
After having chat yesterday with a good feeling after. I woke up this morning with more longing to talk to you. I opened my FB account and see that there were 3 unread messages but when I checked it. Not one of them was from you. I responded to each of the messages and after that, I viewed your profile. I was thinking of sending you a message but I am afraid that it might push you away. I just want to tell that I miss you. When we were dating, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and for now it became more intense and its killing me because most people I talked to said that I have to give you time for yourself and also for me. Mahal, you know my heart. It's all for you. I really really want to be with you. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I really do. Never did I intend to hurt you but I would never excuse myself for the mistake I did. I hoping and praying that you would forgive me and give me chance to prove myself again. When you told me that you would only need a hug and to see my face for now, for me all I ever wanted is a CHANCE. Just one more CHANCE and I promise to never mess up. A CHANCE that I would forever treasure and keep till my last breathe here on earth. I love you Jodi
July 11, 2012
3:12 pm
It's been a week since we talked over Facebook. It was the day we truly decided to limit our communication despite of how we love each other. It is obvious how we want to talk but both realized that we are just running in circles. Me trying to win you back and you shutting the doors. It was such a painful day and up to now, I can still vividly recall how it stings. I went on a road trip to find some ways of winning you back. At times during my travel , I feel it's like a futile attempt but my heart still feels that it is the right thing to do. I did what I have to do and finished what needs to be done and went back home. Thoughts of you, us and the future we talked about just came in like piercing daggers. Took it all because you were in it. Monday came and checking your Facebook page had been inevitable and so when Tuesday came. Just waiting for a message from you. Wednesday came and strong urge to send you a message crept along with questions. What's the point in fighting back this feeling? Would I gain anything? Would it make me feel better if I hold it? No matter how I try to go away or hold this feeling, my love is undeniably for you. So I sent a message to check how are you doing and waited for hours. Took a short lunch break so I can check again if you sent a message. To my surprise, you responded! My heart was happy and then came the yearning to talk to you more. Apparently you waited for a while and sadly it was during my break. You have to go to sleep because you have to wake up early the next day. I tried to send you a conversation starter and waited even for another hour but no more response. I guess you were already asleep. My heart sunk because I miss you so much. The gloomy weather is not helping and looking it through my window at the office just makes me sad. How I wish I was still with you because no weather can dampen my mood as long as a I know that someone even though so far is loving me so dearly and is wanting to be with me. Now its gone. I feel so alone. Hope is still something I'm holding on.
Miss you and love you mahal...
7:26 pm
Phew! Got to chat with you again and had to restrain myself from sharing my feelings. I wish i could tell you how much I love you after an hour chat. It's early morning at your place and I'm not sure if your mind would easily accept what I would be telling you so I kept it to myself this time. Ironically, I felt better not telling it to you. Although I shared a bit of what had been happening with my family, the dramas and stuff. I was left with a feeling of calmness and peace that I did the right thing. I know that you know how I feel but both are just trying not to bring it out in order to keep the conversation well. So it was a nice time chatting with you but I miss you more...
July 7, 2012
5:08 pm
Just came from Sevilla Chapel and talked to Bishop Baro and his wonderful family. Sister Baro is expecting a baby err.. i think they said babies and probably boys. We talked about the video for your birthday and the arrangements. We talked about the truthfulness of the Gospel and testified to each other about the Apostles of the Church being called by God. Before reaching the chapel, I kept on talking to myself that I can do this. I can talk to the members and stay calm. As I enter the Bishop's office, my heart sunk. Memories of the times we visited them. The fun and even the awkward moment. I nearly cried we he asked about us and I mentioned about us being "friends". The word "friend" coming out of my mouth was like a piercing dagger to my own heart. I am not that emotionally strong but that moment I was able to hold myself from breaking down. Our stay and expressions of love in Sevilla was all real and true. It was like yesterday when we were there. I know deep in my heart that you will only be "the One" and I will never move on. All things, places and people reminds me of you my love. The most amazing and precious woman the I dearly cherish. The lady who made me feel so special and so love. No one had me me feel this way and no one else would come close to that. At this moment, despite of what you said about our relationship that had ended, I am still hopeful that you will find in your heart forgiveness and a ray of CHANCE so I can earn your trust again. I promise that I would never mess up when a second chance is given. I would do everything to prove myself again to you. I love you with my heart and soul Jodi
July 5, 2012
If they would ask me in
the future why I never got married. I would simply say " Coz I never had a
second chance?"
